Snap Crackle and POP!

Our landlord is just a dick-face. Basically. And I am pretty sure that isn’t a swear!! Ha ha ha! Anyway – Kush had another rowe with him last night, and came back in the house insisting we move – ASAP. SO – this is the house we are going to look at this afternoon… it’s new, and on half an acre. Not too crazy about the location – it might be on a busier road than I would prefer… just have to wait and see! Anyway – we have paid rent here for the next 3 months, so it’s not THAT urgent… but better to see what is available, than to be “forced” to move when there is nothing on the market! Ugh… BUT – I am actually looking forward to it – especially since it is a bit bigger than this house – so I might get my craft room back, and more than one bath tub in the house is also a big fat bonus! I’ll keep you posted…

Nope. That just SUCKED! How depressing. Built just horribly, and full of quirky arcitecture and MDF. Gasp. And then the view from teh second floor, is of all the tin roofs of a SLUM! Yup. Back to the drawing board...

Ego is a bitch...

So the tile guys seemed to have difficulty fitting the border tiles back together – had it all messed up, and then left to go for lunch. So, me being me, I ripped out the ones that were in the wrong place, and got it all sorted out – ended up that in all reality, they would not fit back together without being cut… but in the process of seeing how much I had to chip off, a tile FELL and broke into… say… 15 pieces. NOT joking. Anyway – then I decided to just go for it – nothing to be lost now! So one tile has a bit of a “mosaic” effect – but I say who cares – the darn thing wasn’t going to fit, anyway!

The tile guys came back a couple hours later to find their work completed – OOPS! And they are ONLY replacing the tiles that had fallen off – so we are left with a white square, instead of butchering the entire kitchen. (phew). I figure I will let Meer loose with a dozen or so permanent markers – make it into an art wall! Ha ha ha!!

Anyway – my hands are actually PRUNED. I even put lotion on 3 times so far – IMAGINE. Had to cut my nails to get the dirt out from under them too! :-O

Slum Lord Report

So the munchie potato (my version of the more fitting and colorful experlitives that describe him more accurately) has actually sent guys to repair the gaping hole we have in our kitchen wall! About 50 of the tiles on one wall have come loose – a patch of about 12 actually buckled with the house settling, and popped off! Anyway – we have lived with it for seven long months… and NOW, Monday morning, two men have arrived to fix it. Not only that – but the other 38 tiles that are just hanging on by their grout lines! AND – to make the day just perfect – not only are they smashing the sh*t out of the wall above where Meer SLEEPS, but have brought off-white tiles to replace the PEACH tiles that have fallen off. So basically, the kitchen wall is going to look like a… patchwork. Basically. I had to come back upstairs just to tell you all! How purdy. Like – considering the house actually BELONGS to someone – would you not INSIST on matching tiles? I mean – seriously. Or maybe it is just me. Crazy old me. Well – anyway – good luck renting it out for the top money we are paying after we leave! Jokers. No brains.

OH! AND – I thought our septic tank needed to be pumped, so I called and asked the landlord to send a truck to do it – they actually called back to say that maintenance of the septic tank is up to the TENANTS. So like – for price of one month’s rent, we can let their house actually FILL UP with SH*T. NOT JOKING!! And like – septic pump trucks are how much? $100?? Probably less. But – NO – don’t pay for that YOURSELF!! Goodness. I swear. If there was ANY decent house available for rent, we would have moved already. As painful as it is. The guy is just a true dick.

ANYWAY – gotta go play with Meer somewhere where we can hear ourselves THINK…

OH. Icing on the cake - one of the guys went to use Kasimbi's toilet (without asking, of course) - and BROKE IT! Yes. Poor kasimbi has gushing toilet water all over his house, and no working toilet. How NICE... :-(

The Grass is Always Greener

Well – THAT might be an over statement, but here is the latest and the greatest… sorta!!

Meer is doing ok… it is Friday, and I have managed to hoard ½ a dose of Infant Tylenol – DHL is expected to arrive tomorrow.

Attempted to sack (FIRE – for all you who don’t speak British English!!) our gardener last night… He started working for us as a night askari (Swahili for guard), and then when we moved to this house and required someone to open the gate in the day, we moved him to days, and he began gardening and tending to the dogs. He is generally a nice guy – happy – but as the past few months have gone on, he has gotten slower and slower – to the point of our yard looking like we don’t have a gardener at ALL! Our grass was long and going to SEED, I was picking up dog shit myself, etc.

Anyway – a couple weeks ago he asked for a RAISE. Seriously. And since he didn’t get one (he was already being paid his askari salary – which is 12 hours a day, 7 days a week – and only working 8 hour days, 6 days a week. Raise enough, if you ask me. But no – he wanted more. Fine – I admire the spirit to ask for what you want… but picking up dog shit so Meer doesn’t fall on it, and Meer tripping on sticks, rocks, bones, and debris on the “lawn” – unacceptable. But whatever – I kept my mouth shut waiting for Kush to come home from work early enough to deal with it.

Until yesterday…

I hear this honking at the gate, and then I see JOSAPHINE (our over-achieving housegirl) running to the gate! I’m like – HUH? It was 4:30pm, meaning our gardener was on duty until 5pm – but no where to be seen.

So Kush’s mom and sister arrive to play with Meer and deliver dinner (GOTTA LOVE IT!). I walk around to the staff quarters, and sure enough – our gardener is all clean and showered – putting on his shoes ready to go home! So basically he spends the last hour of his day getting ready to leave! Anyway – I calmly said in Swahili for him to report to my husband’s office tomorrow, and not to work here. He said “fine.”, and that was that.

Well. When my sister in law was leaving, the gardener complained to her that “because of you I am sacked.” HUH? NO! Because you cannot fulfill your duties at ANYTIME in the day – you are sacked. Can’t pick up dog shit. Can’t cut the grass. And now can’t open the gate. Simple, if you ask me.

In his defense – our hedge that borders our neighbours is always immaculate. He DOES like to trim the hedge where he can speak with the staff next door. And he likes to sweep the driveway WAY up by the gate (we have a super long driveway) for the same reasons. But anywhere BORING – like near the house, or where Meer plays – he doesn’t like working there.

Two weeks ago I made him a daily list of things I wanted done – so he didn’t feel like he has to sweep the Looooooong driveway everyday – do it 3 times a week. Or trim the perfect hedge for 6 hours everyday – not necessary. 3 days a week trim the hedge. 3 days a week cut the grass. I mean – that is TWENTY FOUR HOURS A WEEK to maintain the LAWN. I figure a guy could do that with his TEETH, let alone machinery. Seriously.

Anyway – STILL – nothing is being done around the house. I can hear him yacking away ALL morning – every morning. Then at 2pm he picks up some equipment and wanders out in front of some window to “work” – expecting me to be taking Meer out to play in the afternoons.

Point is – I AM white, but I am NOT stupid. I actually HAVE worked in my life. MacDonald’s was my first job. Safe to say I am fully aware of working your way up the pay scale! Jease. Lazy bugger.

So – as luck would have it, Kush pulled into the driveway like 4 minutes later. Once AGAIN I got “the eye” for sacking someone with Kush or James (our driver/manager/assistant guy) being home. They are concerned that the employee with pull a hairy-kairy and go nuts when I am home alone. I really have a hard time biting my tongue when my freaking HOUSEGIRL is running to the gate during work hours! Like seriously – the woman is fantastic. She has the house pulled together almost singlehandedly by 11am. Then she does anything she can think of to occupy the rest of the hours. ASKARI duty – NOT REQUIRED. Anyway – I flipped. CALMLY, but like seriously. How could I just let THAT one slide?? Freaking SHOWERING during work hours? Please.

Anyway – that was yesterday. And he is outside washing my car this morning, so I guess he wants to work. I have no idea! He certainly won’t be showering, that’s for sure!! Ha ha ha!!

Ugh. I know it sounds all nice to have staff, but somedays it feels like it would be a lot easier to have the appliances to do the work yourself; dishwasher, lawnmower, vacuum cleaner…

OH! And did I meantion that he basically called me a LIAR too? He told Kush I had NEVER picked up dog shit and that I had NEVER told him to do it, or showed him the dog shit. I actually had to go drag my houseman out to confirm that on TWO SEPERATE OCCASIONS I HAD indeed PICKED UP DOG SHIT. Nice one. Kush is concerned that if we fire him "badly", he can bring thugs from the slums to our house to rob us, or what-have-you. Valid point, and everything, but HOW annoying! Anyway - let's see... maybe it will be his own idea to quit sooner than later anyway!

Sigh...

Sticks and Stones

So here I am – home alone happily putting down Meer for his nap, when Kasimbi comes in to tell me the landlord is here and wants to talk with me. Now – some background info for those of you who have NOT been to our house – it is a sh*t box. Well – maybe THAT is a bit of an overstatement, but it IS safe to say that it is it is a brand new house that was built like sh*t, and is owned by a wanna-be slumlord. Basically.

So since FEB-RU-ARY we have been living with a big hole in the kitchen wall – where the tiles have actually popped off the wall due to the house settling into a… lagoon??? Pretty much. Then there are the endless issues with hot water – the heaters are usually broken. The jist of it is that the whole house is run on 9 breakers. When my dad comes over, he pops open the breaker box just to have a LAUGH! Seriously. I am not joking.

There is also the 4 foot fence at the front of the property beside the gate – a true joke in land of security and “compound” living.

We have mold growing under the stairs, and under the kitchen sink. (special, huh??) I mean – the house is falling apart.

Literally.

Has anyone seen Lemony Snicket Series of Unfortunate Events?? Remember the scene where the storm breaks apart the house and the children are left standing in the doorway with the rest of the house crumbling behind them? Well – that is our house! And to top it off – the last time I asked the landlord to fix it, we ended up in an ARGUMENT!! Seriously. So imagine my JOY to know I was home alone (without my warrior husband – he is off watching an international cricket match) and the guy was waiting to see me in the driveway. (gag)

So I go out, and after him laughing at me and saying the “home repairs” were up to the tenant to do, and me saying “fine, we’ll move”, we came to an understanding: The house needs to be repaired – he has to pay for it – and that’s that. He likes to pretend he is all worldly, and lives in the States (lie) – so he is too far above us to care about home repairs. Uh… ya. Whatever. Like I give two hoots to pee with the guy. Ya know?? Please. FIX YOUR HOUSE. Joker.

So I made a list of all the things that were broken, and he agreed to get them fixed – even went so far as to act shocked that they weren’t fixed the LAST time I bitched. (sure.) Anyway – we have agreed to get the repairs done ourselves, and deduct the cost from the upcoming rent. Oh – I should also explain that rent is due every three months here in Kenya, and it is due on the 22nd! Hence him actually showing up and pretending to CARE. Ugh. Faker. Anyway – Kush always said it was wrong to do repairs and deduct it from the rent – that is was tacky. But I say – Hell Yeah!!!

Anyway – he is gone. And I can get the house fixed… finally! He wants me to email him the quotes – so lets see how cheap his ass gets when he isn’t looking me in the eye. Hmn.

Well – I am feeling a bit better now – nothing like a good vent to lighten the load! THANKS! Ha ha ha!!!